thrill of the fall.
dont take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.
i dont think ive had a civilized or normal conversation with you since sixth grade. i hate you more than anyone in the whole world. i know teenage girls go through that stage of not liking their mother or just being bitchy towards eachother but thats not me. i hope you know this will never pass. youre the most self centered, judgmental, opinionated negative bitch that no one wants to deal with. no wonder you have no friends, your daughter hates you and your husband never wants to deal with your complaints. all you have is your son who you drool over because all he cares about is academics. i cant be in the same room as you for more than five minutes because everything about you makes me wants to pick up and leave and i hope some day you get your ass out of this house so i never have to see you again. i know your first daughter died when she was little, but she was my sister too. you told me you wish it were me instead of her who had to go and fuck you for that. every problem we have you ignore and ship me off to another counseling organization or a therapist because you cant take responsibility for fucking once and realize and admit that youre wrong. you need to apologize. its not me who needs the fucking help its you. maybe if you werent so arrogant and conceded youd see that and ship yourself off. stop telling me im mental, stop telling me i have problems and need to be “fixed” stop telling all our family and friends that you dont know what to do with me anymore. everyone sees it except for you that YOU are the problem. you wonder why i always used to get in fights with girls, and why i always keep to myself because i wasnt raised by a respected and well behaved mother. i never HAD that i never had YOU. fuck my childhood because it was a piece of shit and fuck having to see your face every day. you wonder why i was suicidal and harmful of myself. it wasnt all his fault mom, i was heartbroken on top of not having a mother there to support me through the hell i had to go through. youre a piece of shit and a pathetic excuse for any sort of adult figure. i fucking hate you and i cant wait to leave this house. after college there are no family reunions. you will never meet my husband, youll never lay an eye on your grandkids, and you will never hear of me again. i will keep my family and my life as far away from you as possible to start a new life with no hatred. without you breathing down my back every second of every day. i would never treat my children as bad as you treat yours. you put everything on me. our first maid quit, and that was my fault. our dog sitter quit and that was my fault. your daughter died and it was my fault that destiny didnt choose me for you to lose and that you had to lose her instead. its my fault that your son has anger management. you blame my illness on me, that i brought clinical depression upon myself when its YOUR fault. i hope i never have to see you again when im older and i can forget i ever knew you. i love my father but ill take that loss and leave him to get away from you. fuck yourself and realize that i hate you more than anyone and i honestly, whole heartedly, wish the absolute worst for you and your future.
its hard enough for me to be honest with myself, let alone be honest with you about what goes through my head. its so hard. im constantly fighting myself trying to figure out what my actual thoughts are. i feel like there is no me away from everyone and everything else. every thought, and every action is somehow influenced by someone or society. i get embarrassed when im alone, i change my decisions based on what other people would think or what would best fit you even if its a decision that no one will ever find out. one thats not important whatsoever, like how my handwriting looks, or what music i listen to. i have literally been brainwashed into making everything i own and transforming things i “love” into accepted or trendy things in society. its so frustrating not knowing what i like, what i want, or what my goals are. there really is no exaggeration when i say im completely lost. i know nothing about myself. im not sure when it happened, but there is no real me. i have nothing aside from the life everyone made mine out to be. if i could find someone who shared this same disease, this suffocating lifestyle, i would love nothing more than to talk to them. i know that much.
